The Light: First Story

I left my country to flee from injustice of my people. I fled really far where I supposed to be happy. Instead of happiness I ran into embrace full of darkness and evil. And now, when I’m counting last seconds with rapid and heavy breathing, which separates me from death, I realized something. I realized how much I miss my country. Die among people, who don’t know you. Die without family. Die so rapidly and painfully isn’t wish of any human being. Actually I’ve never thought about dying. I was a good girl, who helped to others. I was young and full of life. So why did they take it from me?

I came to America with one aim – to run away from my boring life. I finally felt free, mature and alive! I was twenty years old and I was alone in a big world. I don’t mind it. I fit perfectly in. I found a peaceful job and lived my new life in peace, for a while. Like I said, everything was fine… since I first met him. He came to store, where I worked. And my whole life was shaken by one strong earthquake and changed me from the ground. He had deep blue eyes that shone on tanned skin. Dark black hair was curly. And lips… They smiled at everyone around. He was beautiful. And even now, when I’m dying, I cannot deny my admiration for him. I never knew anyone so perfect and so seductive. He came to me. He handed me purchase. I was so nervous! I couldn’t think about maths, I couldn’t think about anything at all. I tried so hard to count how much it cost. And then I told him price starring on the ground.

“Look at me,” he whispered gently and I lifted my eyes. He just smiled at me and gave me money. And then he left. He left me blind and absolutely dazed. I thought it was the only time I’ve seen him. But he came back tomorrow. It was same for couple days. After two weeks he finally asked me out. And I went! I was so stupid and naïve, when I agreed. I lived in a world where everyone around knew that I am a foreigner. I lived there and everyone knew that I don’t know their habits. He used it against me. He conquered me. He was God for me. He showed me life full of passion... until that day.

We went out for a ride. I didn’t know he will take me so far from town, deep into deserts.

“Are we going to the hut there?” I asked when I saw small house. He sign and stepped on the gas. It was a hut in the middle of nowhere. It was first time since I met him, when I felt fear. It was just a flicker of an unknown fear. But it was there. Woman’s intuition is strong. We came to the hut and I walked in. I didn’t have to unlock the door, because it was already unlocked and inside of cabin sat six huge men. They were older than me. I guess the youngest one was twenty five. I stopped at the door, but Paul (that was his name) gently hugged me from behind.

“These are my friends. They’re going to be here with us. Don’t you mind it, do you?” he laughed aloud and pushed me into the hut.

“Ehm.. and… don’t you want to stay here alone? Without me?” I whispered. I didn’t like it anymore, their hungry eyes browsing me from head to toe. I could feel the smell of an alcohol. I didn’t feel safe anymore. Paul pressed me tighter and tighter. Suddenly it was unpleasant . I twitched myself, but it didn’t work. He put his arm around my neck, the other hand held my arms. And murmured: “You stay here!!!”

I didn’t want to listen to him. I was so afraid of his wild voice. And I don’t talk about how much I was afraid of his friends. So I twitched myself again and then… it was black hole.

Slowly I returned to myself. I felt pain. I lied in very strange pose, I had hands and legs tied up. My head hurt. I felt dried blood on my cheek. And yes, my whole body hurt… everywhere. And with this pain I started to understand what had happened to me. The feeling of dirt, cold and shame was the only thing I could feel. My eyes started to cry. There was nowhere to run. My life turned into a misery. In my mind I saw my whole life I’ve had. I recalled the smell of a single and the only rose I’ve had. I got it from my best friend. He held his hand over me as my protector. But he couldn’t go to the New World with me. I remember my mother, when she stood in the airport. She had given me goodbye. She let me – young, unexperienced, distracted, beloved daughter – into a world she had known from television. And I saw my siblings too. As if I was standing next to them within reach of hand, I heard them talking.

“Congratulations Dany, you are really smart!”

“H—help--,” I whispered hoping for them to hear.

But the illusion was gone as quickly as it appeared and I lied in the cold room again. I didn’t think about tears, although I’ve had wet cheeks. ‘You have to pay for stupidity’, I repeated over and over, until one noise disturbed me. Someone was unlocking the door. My body froze in single second. I heard step by step how someone was getting closer to me. I realized I shut my eyes and I kept them like that. I was praying in my head – ‘Please, Lord, don’t let me feel what they did to me when I was unconscious. I am begging you.’ My last hope disappeared in the moment he touched my naked legs. I passed out thanks to fear, shock or pain. Thank God for that. I didn’t want to know creepy reality.

When I woke up again, I felt different. I am feeling different things. Life is running out of me, but my memories keep coming back. I remember life with my family. How much I miss warm embrace of my home. How much I miss smell of my mother. She raised me and loved me. And I will die far away from her. I know what is coming, but I can’t find solace in it. I am scared, so much scared of it. I don’t like to know that I’m disappearing every second. My fall into the unknown cannot be like that. But the worst thing is to know that I know what I’m leaving behind. I could suffer more, just to have the opportunity to finally say goodbye with my family, to get ready. How could I leave in peace, when I am not ready??? My breath is shorter and I almost don’t see. The only things, what are clear, are my thoughts. They are repeating over and over. One time I can see my childhood, the other time I see my last few months. And over and over… and fear… fear… pain… the family…..

I left my country to flee from the injustice of my people. I fled so far where I was supposed to be happy. Instead of that I ran into the embrace full of darkness and evil. Man has to die peacefully; he needs time to get ready. But some of us are leaving violently, with scream aloud. There are a lot of us. So many hatred, destroyed souls who keep begging for remembering. But none of us feel hate to what had happened, because the mills of God grind slowly but surely.