Almost everything I wish I´d said the last time I saw you

Someone once wrote: „To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.“ I know somebody who won this battle, but lost the other – the battle for his life.

Magnus had died.It´s been a month now and somehow I just can´t get over it. Death. A simple fact. A simple fact that changes a lot of things (at least it does in my world), but unfortunately on the contrary there´s nothing I can do to change this. There´s not that much I can say. There´s not enough words to express my sorrow. Not enough tears to cry, not enough ways to say thank you and not enough strength to say goodbye. Not yet.
He was indeed one of a kind. I´m not saying it, because he´s dead, and people are taught to speak about death ones just in a good way, I´m saying it, because it´s truth. He was that kind of guy you want to have in your life, if nothing but for the way he made you smile. He had this ability to make your days better.Many people thought he was crazy. I had the same impression the first time I met him. And he was. But in a good way. We all could use some more of his craziness.There are certainly many people out there who were closer to him, who knew him longer period of time, and who hung out with him more often, than I did…but….
But he brought something special to my life. Some kind of clarity which I wasn´t aware of before he came into my life. He showed me how to live, taught me that less means sometimes more, what is life really about, he showed me true values.
He was a living example of being yourself no matter what. He pointed me a direction to go.Through him I had found something meaningful even though I didn´t know what it was exactly back then. Now I do. He literally opened my eyes to a brand new world. And that´s something I´ll always be grateful for. I owe him so much and I don´t think he even knows it. I don´t think he realized what an impact he had had on me. Just by the way he was.
I think that sometimes he must have found himself misunderstood by other people, not everyone really got him, he was really unique and all extraordinary people, people who stand out of the line happen to be misunderstood. But if you were lucky enough to get to know him, you´d understand. You didn´t have to necessarily agree with all his actions , but you´d see his point of view. And then when you thought about him and his lifestyle you might easily found yourself envying him. There´s no doubt in my heart that there are many people out there who he touched the way he did me and now there´s only a huge hole left since he´s gone. He was here, he lived, he loved, he laughed, he cared, he did everything he wanted and I bet he has no regrets. I believe it must be a very liberating feeling. I know I want to feel this way when my time comes.That´s what made him so special, that´s what counts in the end. I also believe I speak for many when I say that his completely natural behaviour, his attitude, his open mind and heart and his funny way to show us all what a flock of sheep we actually are is gonna be missed the most. He didn´t give a shit…about society, about career, about money or about what other people might think. He couldn´t care less. What a freedom, don´t you think? It takes a lot of courage to live and think this way, but it seemed natural to him. He was definitely one of the brave ones. He didn´t follow any rules, conventions, sometimes not even law. So what? At the end of the day…what does make you a good person? What does it mean to be a good person? What are we defined by? What´s the measure? Is it the people we chose to love? The choices we make? The path we decided to go? Maybe a bit of everything, but I believe it´s the feeling you have in presence of that particular person. And frankly I don´t remember me ever feeling bad in his company. And that´s what matters, that´s what I´m gonna remember.

He was a truly inspiring person , like an unicorn among us. I think his purpose was to show us that despite not being famous, or super rich, you can actually make a difference. He was the change he wished to see in the world. That´s another thing I admired about him. I´ve noticed I´m torturing myself with all the memories I have of him, because that pain inside of me makes him real, still alive…
I could go on and grieve forever, but I know that´s not a right thing to do, that´s not any good, that´s not gonna bring him back and above all of it I know he would not want me to. I know I have to let go eventually.
So I better put myself together, lock him in my heart and mind and try to live my life to its fullest, so that he could be proud of me. And that´s exactly what I´m gonna do! Your message won´t go to waste, I promise!I had the best master I could possibly wish for. I do look forward to meeting you in another life, my dear friend .
With love Nikki – one of those you left behind